Monday, September 05, 2011

The Search For Satisfaction

Before you read further, I wanted to first say how wonderful it was to get your comments and emails on my sudden return. I am so grateful, and frankly humbled.
I expected nothing but crickets!

So, now please pardon the whiny intro to this post!

black gold
I have been plagued.
I have been vexed.

I am haunted by something that nibbles at the edges of my consciousness like an itch.
I find myself both merely and profoundly dissatisfied.

This is a crisis.
I lack absolutely nothing.
In fact, acquisition has lately only added to my distress.
Even the treasure hunting at the beloved thrift store often brings more anxiety than pleasure.
If it is not something truly missing, it must be a crisis of imagination!
I am fictitiously dissatisfied!

My dissatisfaction becomes most apparent when it suddenly dissipates;
When it transforms into satisfaction.

Like it does when I forage for blackberries, and they fill my bowl like gorgeous black gems.
Like it does when I fill my basket at the farmer's market with salad scattered with flower petals, and tomatoes, and hearty long stemmed sunflowers.
Like it does when I press in a perfectly piped seam.
Like it does when I hear the pop of the jarlids after canning a batch of organic tomato sauce.
Like it does when an unruly bunch of weedy earth is transformed by digging and scratching back into the flower bed it was supposed to be in the first place.


These are the things that fill my heart with satisfaction...
If only they weren't so solitary.
The work is good, but the lack of co-workers gets a bit lonely.
Is that why we all congregate in blogland?

So, friends, tell me...
What satisfies?

18 comments:

Natalie said...

I sympathize.
But. I have chicks, and they are a therapy for my heart and soul. They satisfy.

(word verification: ecoli. That instills dread, and dissatisfaction. Going back to my chicks. Join me?)

Bitterbetty said...

Natalie, I had been thinking that chicken rearing would definitely fall into the satisfaction catagory!!

Mercy said...

Picking courgettes before they are marrows- good to see you back

Bitterbetty said...

Hi Mercy!!
Yum... how do you cook them?

Anonymous said...

That was beautiful! I recently saw that being an artist is one of the most depressing jobs because of the isolation. As I contemplate going down this road it's so nice to know that my feelings are shared and understood. Thanks Bethany!!! I adore you.

sulu-design said...

I'm satisfied doing what I want, when I want - for me, that means getting over a lot of self-imposed feelings of obligation to others. It also means turning to the computer for some conversation like this, and then turning the computer off. Cause it can be a real sucker, you know?

kerrykatiecakeskeb43 said...

Good to see you back, Betty! What satisfies? Something completed - super made, a floor cleaned, a garden weeded, an art quilt made, a gift finished, even one seam done. To do something yourself and finish it and have something concrete to look at and say "I did that".
As for chicks (we're talking young chickens here right? not kids or something?) Forget watching aquariums to lower your blood pressure - what will do a better job is to watch a handful of healthy hens congregating at the compost heap for their morning meeting. Can't beat it and you'll never go back to stale,pale store eggs either.

Bitterbetty said...

Aww!It is isolating, but I'm determined to branch out!
Sulu- You have been my blogland friend and inspiration for so long and it is very satisfying to have friendships like that!
Kerrykatiecakes, making is what saves me when the well runs dry. And I am thinking more and more about the chickens!!

curlygirlpress said...

Black gold for sure! In fact I need to pick mine before hubby cuts them down. What else satisfies? Photography right now, some sewing, and my increasing desire to get back in the studio. I need it again and that feels so good.

polkadotpeticoat said...

Right now after a long summer with our three kids a peaceful house.......bliss and maybe a little wine !

Wende said...

Yay!! You're back... photos of your summer are amazing! And worth the wait.

As for satisfying: a steamy cup of Earl Grey.

Sonya Philip said...

What satisfies? Getting lost in my work. The repetition of stitches or pulling a print (which I don't do often enough) it's my meditation. One level of my mind is focused on the immediate task and I'm free to ponder. Love the pondering. And yes, what Wende said, though make mine a mug of milk tea.

Fulvia said...

Come la marea ... it's all an ebb and flow ...

While you ponder all this upon your re-entry from Italy, here is a little gem I went looking for in order to share it with you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr8WcwOKqxo

I hope it lifts your spirit.

Sherri said...

Wonderful post. I think we all get that ghostly dissatisfied feeling at times. You put it into tangible words. Know that you are not alone.

LocalCeleb said...

Wonderful photos! Love how good that looks!

http://www.localcelebz.blogspot.com

Fashion for Breakfast said...

What satisfies? A day selfishly for you, a goal desired, worked hard for, and accomplished...and dedicating yourself to your child

Sylvia said...

I agonize daily about quitting my job when I am vested in my retirement(April 2nd, 2012!)and can we live on one income? I want to stay home, grow gorgeus veggies, learn to can, take care of my toddler, and sew Halloween costumes and bake all of my birthday cakes instead of buying them. My happiest days are when I take a week of vacation and spend it at home basking in domesticity.
But then I worry that if I stay home with a toddler who is a bottomless pit of need, will my intellect wither and I begin longing for coworkers who will notice my cute shoes?

Sylvia said...

*gorgeous

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