Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Broken Hearted.and a finished project. maybe.
I had to take my puppy back to her loving and capable rescue foster home.
She wanted to eat my cats. She was 9 lbs and my big cat is 18 lbs. The small cat is 9 lbs but very capable of defending itself. The wee mongrel was already 5 months old and according to my research well passed the age when her prey drive could be "reprogrammed". It was like living in a blender.
After just a week of having her, not having her, feels like someone parked a car on my chest.
Okay, what is really weird about this is, I am not a big huge animal fan.
I am not a maniacal nuturer. I don't believe that I am the kind of person who would sign their Christmas cards (which I don't send anyway) with the names of their pets.. or refer to myself as the pup's "mommy". ( and if you do these things please know I am not judging.. I am just not that way.) I don't like all dogs. In fact I like only a few. It took me forever to decide that I might be interested in doing this. When I brought her home I woke up in the middle of the night thinking "Oh my God! I will have a dog until I am 55 years old."
So when it became clear that keeping her would be unsafe for her and the cats.. why did I cry and mope and generally get completely depressed?
Is it my version of a biological clock? Anticipation of the empty nest? Is it because when I was 6 my single mom had to give away my dog because she got nippy with my younger sister after she had been hit by a car? Is it because when I got the dog, I went to see my semi-estranged father who has been battling thyroid cancer and still selfishly smokes unfiltered Camels like a chimney even though he has a young daughter?
Having the dog took me off auto pilot. I looked more critically and more awarely at all the creatures in my care; the cats, the goldfish, my son. It brought the undercurrents of responsibilty back to the surface. It made me realize that there is part of me that wants to make a commitment like that again.
Now, to make matters more complicated, my husband feels, after having a dog for a week, differently about the issue. I have always felt that there are some things that require everyone in the family to be on the same page. Moving, additional offspring, and accrual of pets are all on that list. What makes me worry is for the first time I have a stronger feeling of longing that seems un-natural in my basic personality. I resent his "taking back" of his enthusiasm for the commitment and it brings up baggage. I don't think it is appropriate to share it all but suffice it to say: our family has one kid, aloof (but charming) cats and goldfish. We are light on the commitment list and I have often been the one who gives in, because of the conviction that we are all on board or we don't move forward. Baggage. A flippin' complete set of Louis Vitton with steamer trunk Luggage... emblazoned with my family crest. And my dear husband called me "insane" for being upset at the current situation.
Okay. I will give you Neurotic.
I did manage to finish the kitchen window treatment.
Anybody have any opinions on the fringey bottom of the redwork?
It was a vintage dresser scarf that I reused and I kept what was there.
but it might need something...